I went to Egypt a few weeks ago (it seems like a lifetime) with the wife. We booked all inclusive, and then we made the mistake of reading the reviews. They showed us that we’d either be staying at a perfectly respectable hotel, or staying at the biggest hell hole this side of South Sinai.

In fact, the reviews didn’t vary across the board as you might expect. They seemed to swing between 10/10 and 1/10. How can that be? OK, you might expect to find a swing between 4/5/6, but surely not to those extremes?

Digging deeper, it would appear that the reviewers did indeed fall into two camps; those who got the shits and those that didn’t. Now, I can appreciate that a dose of Delhi Belly would put the brakes on your all inclusive feasting, but you’re here to rate the hotel, not the quality and resilience of your probiotic stomach bacteria.

What it also demonstrated was that the vast majority of people who write things about hotels on the net are fucking simpletons. For example (and all of the spelling is how I found it, I promise):

“Upon arrival we were checked in by a sourly faced limited English clerk” - What you’ve done there, right, is gone to a foreign country. You might find they talk differently there.

“Our room view was lovely untill we watched a very ill and distressed camel die one evening so that was upsetting.” - Er, what? And you stood idly by?

“…a man who held his hand out for a tip per suitcase” - Having carted your no doubt very heavy cases about in 40 degree heat, would it be too much to ask to slip him 5 Egyptian pounds, or 50p as it works out?

“I found the desk staff very unhelpfull and their sourly attitude unpleasant” - Bit rich coming from you, innit?

“I defiantely wouldn’t rate the place worthy of 5 stars and shant go back.” - With this concluding sentence you have marked your review null and void. Go back to school.

Needless to say, none of these things were true. The bad reviews are from people who got tummy bugs and were ill whilst away. This is not the problem of the hotel generally, but the fault of the British people who lie in the 40 degree heat all day, shovel huge amounts of food into themselves and then fling gallons of all-inclusive booze down their necks and wonder why they feel a bit runny the next day (like I did).

Of all the reviews my favourite (which I can’t be bothered to find now) was the one that said, and I shit you not:

“We went to Cairo for the day but is was quite shabby and run down.”

By the way, the quotes above (except the Cairo one) come from one review, the first one on this page. Judging by the date, they were there the same time as me and the wife. There was no dead camel, no collapsing walls, the beer was cold and the food was fine. They are, without a doubt, full of shit. Runny, runny shit.